


Full Ace or Demi? A thoughtful and provoking set of moments from the eternal screaming void and a turtle

by scarytinyturtlebutt



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, this is the one where you just decide to be chill and not give a damn about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 12:26:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16576469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarytinyturtlebutt/pseuds/scarytinyturtlebutt
Summary: This was formerly the most in depth personal attempt at finding out how ace I was, and finding it was VERY MUCH SO. It is a repost of my old fic, so I'm not breaking it down into chapters because I am very tired. There is no sex, but some risque situations, extremely fluffy and dissolves into pure platonic friendship. Ace and aro friendly, more than likely. So many puns. Have a good night.





	Full Ace or Demi? A thoughtful and provoking set of moments from the eternal screaming void and a turtle

  
Chapter 1  


You couldn’t even give yourself a reason why you were still awake. While you hadn’t slept last night, it was a lovely bright morning. Perfect for keeping away nightmares and helping settle thoughts. 

Keeping out these thoughts was a little harder. 

Sans had a bunch of friends whose birthdays had all cropped up around the same time. It was like three solid weeks of off and on parties. 

Eight parties in three weeks, and everyone had gotten together so they could celebrate together. 

He was stuck bunking with his brother, with a bunch of other people filling up the other rooms. 

That you could understand. The skeleton brothers’ house was pretty nice. It must have been like a family get-together where the people with the biggest kitchen or nicest outdoor space were elected to host. 

You thought you were doing your friend a solid by having him over a bit more often to decompress. 

If you flat out offered your bathroom to him if he needed to get himself off, hey, that was a friend thing. 

He had a former queen, a child, two lesbians, his brother, and a shitload of dog monsters in his house sleeping in the living room, pap’s room, and part of the hallway. They had three bathrooms between twenty-one people. 

Asgore, the king of fucking monsters, had the rest of the party group at his house. From what you heard it was sixty-something people. 

That mess had to be worse than staying with your parents for a weekend. 

Thank any force of good you did NOT live with yours. 

It was just a destressor. Just helping a friendly buddy out. No biggy. 

Sans wasn’t a fan of tile. He couldn’t relax enough to do anything. 

This he told you to your face.

Your couch wasn’t getting any younger and had probably seen more shit than one lonely skeleton beating… his meat? There was a question there and you certainly weren’t about to ask it. 

Hey, you could even put a sheet on it so you could just wash that afterwards so the couch wouldn’t forever smell like whatever that smelled like. 

Sans with a hand down his shorts leaning into your side while watching the Bee Movie was not your mental picture of this adventure. 

The puns didn’t stop for this hole you’d dug yourself. 

You were absolutely enraptured by this woman who wanted to fuck a bee. 

Yup. 

Fascinating. 

Amazing. 

Nothing going on right beside you, keep your eyes forward, and give him a little privacy.

There wasn’t even a pillow separating you two.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Sans shifted away from you slightly. “Do you want me to go?”

His face was flushed blue and a little sweaty. His eyes had dimmed a little his whole expression and body language had changed to worry.

Fuck.

“Oh fuck. No, no, you’re good.” You held your arm up so he could get under it. “C'mere.”

Sans looked at the open invitation and back to your face. He leaned his face closer and tilted it up to you, you leaned closer and nuzzled him. He sank back into your side and you rubbed his shoulder when he was back against you.  
“It’s cool.” You dropped a few soft kisses against the side of his skull hoping you weren’t crossing any lines doing so. 

Sans moved so you were kissing the side of his mouth. After the initial shock, you moved your hand off his shoulder to cradle his face. You rubbed your thumb gently over his mouth. He pressed against it in a kiss, eyes lidded and dazed looking.

Sans looked amazing like this. 

After a minute of wondering, you kissed him back just as softly. 

With his face as flushed as it was, it was amazingly still gentle. Soft kisses and staying close to each other. His free hand found your arm and held on like he could still let go if you wanted him to. 

The other hand got noticeably wiped on his shorts and went to hold the hand not touching his face. 

It was pretty sweaty but hey, it was Sans. 

You brought his gross hand up and kissed it anyway. Sweaty but didn’t really smell like anything. 

He flushed a deeper shade of blue at the action. 

You held onto each other and slowly settled back into a more comfortable position. His skull rested on your shoulder and you had one arm around his shoulders and both his hands rested on top of yours. 

The Bee Movie was just rolling credits. The next movie was something with Nicholas Cage. You hadn’t seen it. 

Sans sighed into your shoulder. 

“Uh, you not gonna finish?” Not the best question with that ‘all american family man’ on the screen, but he had been doing it during worse. 

“Nah.” He nuzzled into you and you petted his arm. “Kinda tired.”

“Okay.”

The two of you chilled through the better (or worse) part of a few more movies cuddled up together before he went home. 

Now you were still awake the day after. You’d just made out with a good friend and it had been amazing. 

But was this amazing in a dating way or a casual way to him?

You had no idea.

  
  
Chapter 2: storm  
Notes:

useless self-serving floof

  
  
End Notes:

I looked at potato puns for a full hour for this. Couldn’t fit the word mashed in there with the kissing but good grief did I try. It was nighttime and I forgot somewhere along the lines. Couch potato would also be good-CRUD! I had him sleeping on the couch. Golden opportunity. Golden potato.

  
  


A lovely surprise storm had barreled its way into your area, it had come off the ocean and was making a huge arc over everything it passed.

The fast change from summer heat to rain had a lot of hail forming. 

Outside it looked like it had been freaking snowing. The ground was covered in a nice pleasant layer of hail and getting gently pelted with rain and hail as the storm went on and settled in. 

It had been a little while since Sans had been over, ducking out to relax was nice, but social obligations needed to be met. Couldn’t spend the entire three weeks hiding from your friends. 

Well, you could. You’d sometimes thought about ditching your own birthday parties in jest. 

Sans was sitting in between your legs with his back resting against your chest. Both of you were cozy underneath a couple comforters with hot tea on the coffee table. 

It was really nice to have a small friend to cuddle with. He was the perfect size for this. 

He was honestly nodding off with his head leaned super far back to rest on your shoulder. 

While cute, it really did not look like a comfortable angle for his neck.

You pushed your shoulder forward so you could correct it, pulling him down and closer so the side of his head was resting against your chest instead. Much better.

“Have you had dinner yet?” You wanted to just chill out and enjoy this. You could just stay here and let him sleep, why couldn’t you just keep quiet and enjoy the moment?

“Mmf.” It was barely a noncommittal sound. He turned his face towards you and tried to bury it between blankets and your body. 

You rested your head lightly on his, resisting the urge to nuzzle into the smooth bone. 

“There’s some stir fry in the fridge. Want me to heat some up?” 

Sans shook his head and didn’t bother lifting it before he did. It was a soft feeling and you put down whatever you were thinking that was just a no, not a nuzzle, calm down.

“Let’s heat up some tatertots or something. C’mon.” You stand up without putting him down and his eyes widen just a little bit as you head into the kitchen.

“Ya know, potatoes do sound quite _apeeling._ ” Sans grinned.

“I think they’re _tuber_ -ler.” You grinned back. “But I gotta say, I really _yam_ seeing something else even nicer.” His eye lights were bright in their sockets and you were going for it. “I’m looking at a _spud_ muffin.”

“Well babe, I don’t know where to starch. You really think I’m a hot potato, or are you just buttering me up?”

That was almost cringy. You were having state fair flashbacks and that was a field trip when you were like five. 

“Babe, _babe,_ ” Now that Sans had the pretty well expressed permission to use the word it was his. He leaned up in your arms to grin closer to your face. “As ripped as you think I am, I’m really just a _small fry_.”

You laugh-snorted. 

Sans was beaming. Holy hell he was beautiful. 

You set him on the counter before you made this weird. 

You got the tatertots out of the freezer, got them on a tray, got them in the toaster oven. 

After about twenty minutes you and Sans were settled back down on the couch with two plates of tatertots, a couple of glasses of water, and a bottle of ketchup.

Dinner was quiet. 

Sans had his own toothbrush in your bathroom since unmagical food did get stuck in his teeth sometimes. 

You both took care of night business and got ready for bed. 

Sans was wearing one of your shirts and a pair of drawstring pajama pants with the legs cuffed. 

The livingroom was still chilly from the storm. It had turned into a cold rain and settled in for the night. 

You had comforters out here, Sans would still be fine on the couch.

“Wanna go to bed?” You were turned to half gesture at your room, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever seen the brows of his sockets raise that high. “Just to sleep? It’s a little nicer than the couch.”

Sans’ grin turned nervous.

“Uh, can’t. It’s too far away.” He raises only one arm to you. 

Oh.

That was a blush.

You pick him up and his hands hang onto you instead of hanging at his sides. You’re both quiet when you walk to bed.

Sans doesn’t let go instantly when you slip underneath the covers.

He’s looking at you like he wants you to do something. Eye lights flicking between your eyes and your lips.

You don’t know that you want anything more than what you already have, him here. Close.

You put your arms around him and pull him just a little closer to kiss his forehead. 

And his cheeks,

chin,

near his eyes, 

glancing over his boney lips and teeth. 

His breathing was just a little faster, staring at you clearly in the dark room. 

You drop kisses down the side of his face and press one to his neck.

Sans makes a sound like a half hum.

You nuzzle into his face and tuck his head under yours safely.

“Night Sans.”

“Night.” The reply took a minute. 

The sound of rain slowly crept back into your senses while you unwound. Sans’ hand found yours under the covers and you stayed tangled up together as you finally fell asleep.

  
  
Chapter 3  
End Notes:

*beaning would make more sense for being, but beans aren’t nuts and I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but just accept the pun. 

 

It's like the middle of the night. I hope you enjoyed it.

  
  


Sans was sitting at the kitchen table, head down, completely out. Most of his arms and part of his torso were trying to adhere themselves to the table. If he moved in his sleep at all, he’d probably end up on the floor. 

You’d just pulled him out of bed a few minutes ago, he’d been awake enough to grumble about it. 

There he was, the person you’d set your sights on for whatever reason, drooling on your table. He didn’t usually, it was like a semi-conscious effort to make drool. Maybe it was whatever he was dreaming about. 

To be fair, you were making scrambled eggs and sausage while he was checked out. 

He kinda smelled like old oats and ketchup and damn if you couldn’t stop thinking about gross romance junk about him

______________________________

“Could you grab me the cereal?” Sans was actually up before noon and had come over for breakfast.

“You’ll have to pay for it.” 

It took Sans two beats to raise his brow bones. 

“Gotta pay the toll, dude.”

“What toll?”

“It’s a kiss to get past me.”

“Are you sure that kind of toll makes cents?”

“It’s been sunny for three days, there’s no change in the weather, or the toll.” You leaned closer without leaning down. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Sans made a sound in the back of his throat, glancing from your eyes to your lips. He was turning a little blue. 

“Well, that’s uh- not a bad request.”

He leaned in, and realized when you had leaned closer, you hadn’t leaned down. You still weren’t leaning your face down. 

The look on his face when he saw you weren’t moving was priceless. 

“Don’t be rude.”

“Figure it out.”

The look he got in his eyes was of someone who was NOT going to use a stepstool to kiss you. You weren’t that much taller. A bit more than a head taller than him. 

Sans grabbed two handfuls of the front of your shirt, you took a step back and your butt hit the counter, he put a slippered foot on your knee and proceeded to pull himself up to clack his teeth against your mouth. 

Except your mouth was open in surprise, and he clacked his teeth against your teeth. 

He down down a second later, both of you holding a hand over your mouths. 

“Ahhhh, crud that hurt.” 

“You okay?” “Are you okay?”

You end up making oatmeal for breakfast because neither of you want to crunch on cereal for awhile. 

It was already pretty warm outside, but still okay. You took your food outside to eat in the backyard and Sans joined you after a bit. He took the other chair so he could lean on the table and use less energy holding himself up.

A squirrel stopped in the middle of running across the fence and decided to start yelling and whipping its tail at you two. 

“I could argue with a squirrel today. But instead I think- uhhhh, crud.” You groaned into your hand. There was definitely something better to do today than telling this angry wild animal to go home. 

“Give in to temptation.” 

You stretched your hands out. “Nah friend, I will think of something better to do.” When you started jiggling your leg to stem and ignore the squirrel who had singled you two out today, Sans’ resting face stretched into a wider grin.

“Hey, buddy. You’re looking a little squirrely there.”

“Thanks, it’s just cause I’m nuts about you.” 

Sans actually half choked on air and usually he was not quite poker faced with smiles, but hard to catch off guard. 

“Cause you’re soybeaning* so nice.”

“Walnut going to argue.”

________________________________

 

The squirrel thing had happened a few days ago, and Sans was still clocked out sitting at the table.

Honestly it was a good thing he slept like a brick, cause if he moved he’d probably fall and hurt himself. 

The thought kinda got to you a bit. That was a lot of trust both of you were placing in each other. Him not to move. And you not to use the moment to try and scare or prank him. 

That really didn't seem like a comfortable way to sleep.

You took breakfast into the livingroom to set on the coffeetable, and went back to the kitchen to grab Sans. He woke up enough when you talked to him that he was okay with being picked up again, and you took him in to the couch and settled down with him on your lap. You pulled some of the blankets around you and made a cozy nest that warmed up in a few minutes. 

Breakfast was quiet and sleepy. Afterwards you both left your plates on coffee table, and laid back for a snooze. Both of you were going to sleep anyway. Might as well lay down for it. 

Your head was at a slightly uncomfortable angle because of the arm of the couch. Sans was burritoed in the blankets on top of you. He shifted a little to get more comfortable and ended up nuzzling into your neck and shoulder while he settled. His teeth pressed against your neck for a second before he raised his head to look at you grinning.

"Hey."

"Hey you."

Okay yeah, he was starting to smell a little off. Oddly like stale toast. 

"You know you're stuck, right?"

"Looks like you are too." You gave him a light squeeze as your hands were resting on his back. 

Sans' grin widened. He pressed his teeth to your chin. 

"Really? Cause from where I'm laying, you're definitely the one who's stuck." His eyesockets were barely crinkled near the edges he was grinning so hard. "Cause ya know, if you decide you do wanna get up? You're gonna have to pay the toll to get me to move." 

oh. oH-

You raised your head up to kiss the side of his mouth. He moved to meet it and pressed his boney lips against yours. You thought it was going to be teeth again but he'd actually closed his mouth and was kissing you. Teeth counted too anyway. Couldn't say you didn't appreciate the extra effort. You leaned your head back slowly until it was supported by the couch arm again. 

Sans' hands moved to smoosh your cheeks and tangle in your hair haphazardly as you kissed. It was over in a few minutes, soft touches and sweet bone against your mouth moving to rest against the pile of blankets. He had been barely awake during breakfast and it was showing now; smiling and too tired to hold himself up to keep kissing. 

"Whoa dude, you have something on your face." You moved a hand off his back to point at his cheek. His soft contented face slipped into something more nervous instantly. He moved a hand to try and feel anything on his face.

"What is it?" 

"Hold on, I got it." You leaned closer and kissed him on the cheek. "Yep, it's definitely something." You moved up the side of his face with kisses. "Sans, I don't know if I can get it. It's everywhere now."

"What is it though?" 

"Me." 

Sans held your look for a few seconds of surprise and cracked up. You were quick to join him laughing, pressing more kisses to his face. He was smiling so hard it looked like it could be hurting his face. 

Even though he was clearly wearing out fast, when you pulled back to give him a break, he was looking at you with those happy crinkled up edges to his eyesockets and smile, breathless and somewhere between giddy and tired. 

"So, uh- the toll is definitely paid if you want to get up." Sans looked like he was going to be asleep in ten minutes whether you moved him or not. You shifted and resettled your hands on his back, sighing as you got more comfortable. The crinkly happy look Sans' had would've been worth it to stay even if you had actually needed to get up.

"Pleasant dreams, Sans." You pressed a final kiss to his temple. 

"Heh." He rested his head so you were both looking at each other as you drifted off. 

He'd be the first thing you saw when you woke up.

  
  
Chapter 4  
Notes:

I mainly wrote this ch while on painkillers after I had a thing done. It's as good as it's going to get so please bare with me.

  
  


You weren’t exactly dating Sans. More like coexisting with kisses sometimes. 

He was over all the time. Not that you were complaining, it was awesome to have him around. Except he was definitely a zero-energy friend and he was really starting to smell weird. 

How long did a skeleton, without all constant skin shedding and sweat and oil to keep skin in working order, HOW LONG- did one have to go without washing to start smelling like this?

Like old moldy toast. 

Maybe throw in some old banana peel residue. 

That was Sans.

Obviously you couldn’t just bully him into it or straight up tell him he needed to shower cause he was smelling a little FRESH there. 

If he didn’t have energy to do it normally, you bringing it up might just bring up anxiety about it. 

Or make him feel less like doing it, like being told to do something you were just about to do.

You couldn’t exactly just dump him in the tub with the shower on for awhile... probably. 

Well- not if you were respecting him as a person??

You were looking up how to clean bones properly and learning about vulture culture with people collecting dead animals to clean and honestly who even knew if any of it would have any standing when it came to magic. 

____________________

Sans flopped into your side on the couch like a tired rabbit. Full flop. 

You were looking at possum skulls on your laptop, he didn’t question it. When you looked away from the possums, he had his face smooshed into your thigh and didn’t look like he was intent on moving. 

“Hey, I thigh-nk you look tired there, friend.” 

Sans groaned and didn’t raise his head. 

You rested your non-dominant hand on his back and petted him. 

“Hey, whatever’s eating you, don’t worry about it too much. I’ve got your back.” You gently pressed that flat of your palm against his spine for emphasis. 

He made a low hum sound. 

Wow, this was, maybe he just wasn’t in a good mood for puns? Whatever his day was like, he might just need a nap. 

Golden opportunity, golden potato. 

“Oh really? That’s very interesting.” You rubbed his back a little. “How does this sound? What if we both got in the tub with our bathing suits on and watched the Lion King and soaked for a bit? We could eat dinner in there I guess, but let’s actually not because it’s the bathroom.”

Sans raised his head and his browbones were the highest you’d ever seen them.

“It’ll be super cozy.~” You offered. 

“Uhhhhh, that’d be- pretty close.”

It took a second for you to answer.

“Yeah, we could cuddle the whole time. Turn you into a sanswich center.” 

Sans was turning more blue by the second. You shrugged.

“Or if that would be uncomfortable, we could just sit together like normal.”

“But in the tub.”

“In the tub.” 

“With clothes on.” Sans restated, and you nodded. 

“And watching the Lion King.”

He cleared his throat and sat up. 

“Kay, sounds good.” In a blink he was gone. 

Whelp, guess you needed to go run a bath then. 

Whoo boy. 

 

Didn’t take long before you were setting up the stepstool in the kitchen in the bathroom and putting your laptop on it. The tub was hot and a little steamy, not too dangerous for electronics if you left the door open a crack. 

The bag of oatmeal you’d put in the water had made it smell pretty oatsy. You had mixed feelings about it. It wasn’t a strong enough smell to put you off good or bad, it was just- odd. You’d followed the wikihow and at least it was tied up in a cheesecloth with a rubberband and not going everywhere. 

As you took the bag back out and gave it a gentle squeeze before setting it on the counter, Sans came back in trunks and a t-shirt. 

There wasn’t as much standing around as you thought there might be. You got in first, and Sans got in to sit on your lap. 

He wiggled a second, and then shifted right around so on of his knees was almost hitting the side of the tub and his side was against your chest in a great position to watch the movie.

He looped an arm around you for good measure, resting it on the tiny ledge on the back of the tub. 

“So, Lion King?”

The only thing you guys were soaking was your legs. The steam and the position you guys were in was- nice. 

Watched Simba’s dad bite it again. 

Sans’ rested his face against your collarbone in a lazy smoosh. 

___________

Neither of you mentioned the hangout, and things seemed more or less normal.

  
  
Chapter 5  
Summary:

The second mildly nsfw ch in this whole thing.

  
  


Waking up to Sans’ soft groans was not how you saw this going.

You were still tangled up together, hanging onto him in your sleep like an oversized koala. Cause haaaah, he had no spoons. 

His drool was on your chest, his face smooshed against you, and head tucked under your chin at a weird angle.

It was the perfect temperature for cuddles. 

He was out cold with a hand down his pants. Those were your pajama pants he was wearing. 

The light from your clock was bathing the room in a soft blue light. It was nearly two in the morning. 

You decided to ignore it in favor of trying to go back to sleep. Hey, if he was having a nice dream, why interrupt? 

You still had the weirdly personal knowledge that his whatever he had did not smell like anything. You wouldn’t even have to change the sheets outside of your normal schedule if you didn’t feel like it. 

He was barely moving, and you resettled yourself and closed your eyes. Aside from the occasional groan, you had soothing sounds of his normal breathing and it was putting you back to sleep.

“ .” 

The murmur of your name by your neck did nothing to wake you up.

You briefly registered it, gently cradled Sans closer, and told him to go back to sleep. 

What you actually did was cuddle a pillow closer and say a sleepy babble before pushing Sans bodily off the bed. 

He did wake up. For a bit. Pulled a couple blankets off the bed, curled up and went back to sleep.

You tripped over him in the morning.

  
  
Chapter 6  
Summary:

another attempt at the nsfw, those poor nerds. please tell me if there's something misspelled or if there's a huge chunk of sentences that seem like they should have something else in there. this was written over a long time very very late and who knows what my brain potentially deleted.

  
  
Notes:

A small excerpt of a ch that never happened is at the end as a bonus! It is sfw

Enjoy!

  
  
End Notes:

Sans came over with a whole bag of bath bombs. Like more than ten.

“We can totally do the bath thing again. Why so many though?”

“My dog’s been licking my legs nonstop since last time. I don’t know what kind of shampoo you use that the residue would make them do that-”

“I put oatmeal in the tub.”

“…..should I ask?”

“It’s supposed to be super gentle on sensitive skin and you have a lack thereof. I didn’t want to use something that’d mess you up!”

Sans just covered his mouth.

“I can use regular soap. It’s okay.”

“Ah.”

“Yup.”

  
  


Sans in lingerie on your bed with hands above his head in blue fuzzy handcuffs was NOT what you were expecting to come home to. 

He was asleep and drooling. 

You had to cover your mouth for a minute and step out of the room and shake so you wouldn’t laugh and wake him up. 

In retrospect, after you went in to actually wake him up, maybe laughing would’ve helped. You sat next to him on the edge of the bed and poked his face for a good ten minutes before he started to wake up. 

“Oh- hey.” Sans grinned still half-asleep, and reached for you. Handcuffs got in the way, he winced. 

“Yeah, hey.” Sans’ grin had already turned nervous as he woke up more. “Wanna say what this is about?”

“Uhh, thought if you cumin here and see me like this, it would spice up the bedroom.” He tried to move his hands under the pillow and failed. “And uh, I had some thyme on my hands. It’s under the pillow now. If you could get it, it’s digging into my skull and kinda a pain in the neck.”

“No big dill, babe.” You got the bottle of thyme out from under the pillow. He sighed in relief. “So, you have the keys for these somewhere or do I need to find some wire cutters?”

“They’re on the floor.” They were also slightly underneath the bed, who knows how he managed that. You got him free in a second. Both the cuffs and keys went on the floor this time. 

“Soooooo, where’d you get this stuff?” You fingered the strap of his bra and he froze up, you hastily took your hand away. 

“Made it.” 

It looked really pretty. He’d put some real effort into it. 

“Dude you look beautiful, but seriously, this also looks itchy as hell.” There was beadwork. “It’s really pretty.”

Sans was a lovely bright shade of blue. 

“It’s not too bad if I don’t move.”

Your eyebrows raised and if possible he turned even bluer.

“And what were you planning on doing, not moving, on my bed in this?”

“Getting it ripped off of me with your teeth would’ve been nice.”

You nearly choked.

“Uh, babe-”

“Eh, don’t worry about it.”

You were just digging yourself a grave here, but you had one more question.

“A bra and boxer shorts aren’t the most traditional-”

“The thong rode up too much.”

You both stared at each other for a second and cracked up. 

Sans stopped laughing with a wince.

“You fucked up your shoulders with these, huh?” You moved the fuzzy handcuffs further aside. 

“Nope.”

“And ya fucked up your back because sleeping with a bra on does that.”

“Nope.”

Sans was still keeping his arms exactly where you’d laid them. 

Whatever was happening that made him think trying to seduce you was a good idea- 

Sure yes, he was pretty as heck. But, ehhhhhhhh?

“Well bra, looks like your spicy situation got a little out of hand.” You took one of his hands and he looked alarmed for a second. 

“Uhhh, not to be getting cold feet about this, but I think it might be a little chili to uhhh- to do anything.” 

“What about a back rub and then I’ll make you dinner? Super late lunch?” You didn’t want to just leave him in pain on your bed. You were gently rubbing your thumb over his hand and wrist and you paused when he shuddered.

“Chives think you have a good idea. Zest be gentle?” His grin was back, looking less tense. 

You snorted. 

“Yeah babe, no knead to worry.” You rubbed up his arm loosing up magical? muscles. Maybe something got pinched like how blood worked only with magic. Disrupted the flow. 

When you started working on his shoulder he hissed a little under his breath until the kinks got worked out and then he was sighing back into the sheets in relief. 

“I don’t think kneading would be a pun there babe. Bread yes, offshoot of spices since it’s all in the kitchen, but you’re actually kneading your hands into me.”

“Well you were the one who was trying to jump past vanilla on your spicy puns raid, so shush.”

He made a high pitched noise in the back of his throat that turned into a full wheezing laugh when he opened his mouth.

“Hohoholy shit.” He was grinning his head off while you worked on his other arm and shoulder. Wasn’t often he walked into a pun lead-up without trying to lead you up to it.

“You feel like you could flip over?”

“I mace be able to.” 

The litany of fucks that came out of his mouth while he did it was enough to have you doing your best to help.

When you unhooked his bra he just broke down laughing.

“You okay Sans?”

“Hakuna ma tatas.”

“Babe,”

“It means don’t worry about the boobs. Because I am a skeleton.”

You dug your thumbs into one of his shoulderblades and it barely took a minute before he was moaning and laughing hysterically.

“You know what the best part of this is?” You asked, and he tried to raise his head somewhat, all smiles and metaphorical ears.

“What?”

“I bay-leaf, it’s clove.” 

“Clove?”

You leaned down and kissed the back of his skull.

“Clove.”

The rest of the massage was fairly quiet. You mind would not let go of the mental image of the gently petting a hamster making them so relaxed they got flatter. Sans was so relaxed he was as flat as his body would naturally be without having his limbs everywhere like how he liked sleeping when he was alone. 

Like how you usually found him on the couch. 

Every time he looked like he’d fallen asleep and you stopped, he wiggled a little in place and made grumbly noises. Trying to reach back with one had to catch one of yours and continue it. 

For dinner he didn’t want you to ditch him. He was too relaxed to move, clearly you had to carry him. 

You helped him ditch the itchy bra for one of your shirts. The beaded ‘sexy’ boxershorts he’d be stuck with until he felt like changing them. 

Dinner was microwaved potatoes. 

Sans was sitting in your lap on the couch leaning so far into you he was like an amorphous shape filling in any spaces you left for him.

His face was half smooshed against your shoulder and he was just mooching off of whatever you gave him instead of bothering to eat off his own plate that was still sitting on the coffee table. 

“That tired, huh?”

He whined into your shoulder.

“Babe, my non-existent ass has never been itchier in my whole life.”

__________________________

 

In other news, avocado leaf is on the wiki spices list. Sassafras is also an herb. Mind blown. It’s native to North America and Eastern Asia.

  
  
Chapter 7: excuse for puns  
Notes:

I think I want to shoot for 1-2 more chs for this fic and then cleanly end it. It did originally start out as just some one shots, they just happened to sort of go together. It's been fun but it is definitely the work of my brain when it is tired.

  
  
End Notes:

Mini!horse is based vaguely off a horse I met irl. I nicknamed him meatwall, because he was huge and overweight*, and nothing in the world short of shoving yourself against him like a wrestler with your feet on a wall could move this horse. I like to think of him as a grumpy lesser god stuck with some kind of ethereal torment in the form of having to live with humans. 

*yes unhealthy overweight, but he was put on a diet when he got to the place I worked at, and he was getting to a much healthier place in his life.

  
  


"Why is there a pony in the livingroom?" 

"She's a miniature horse." Sans said into the cushions of your couch.

There was hay in your livingroom, and the small horse was fenced in the room with a toddler gates in the doorways; a little piebald minature horse was sipping water out of a bucket and munching on its breakfast without a care in the world. 

He'd put newspaper down like THAT was going to do anything if this thing decided to pee in here.

You had just woke up, and took the time to go make coffee and bring two mugs of it into the livingroom to nudge Sans.

He barely shifted, and you ended up sitting on the arm of the couch. 

Dark eyes stared you down like you could spontaneously combust and it would go on like it wasn't even a blip on its radar. A thousand screaming children could pet this horse and it would probably go to sleep. 

Friendly is not how you would describe this creature. Stalwart, maybe. Like screaming into the void long enough it brought forth life. A being unable to be fazed by loud noises, completely at ease in a world of entropy and stardust re-imagined into other living creatures.

The horse, though small, had the knowledge of ages in its eyes.

It was neither impressed nor disappointed with its circumstances, and saw no reason to do anything about them.

"Baby, I know we're practically married or something, but why is there a horse of any size in the livingroom?" 

Sans groaned into the cushions when you touched his back. 

"Hey, Sans, googly bear, sugar pie honey bunches of oats, toasted pizza slice of the apocolapse; wanna tell me why I suddenly have a surprise guest in the livingroom?" A sudden thought hit you. "Wait, is this rent or permanent? Cause I love ya dude, but it's the horse or me if she's going to live indoors."

Sans choked, scrambling to get his hands underneath him and raise himself up like a seal.

"No no, she'll go home at the end of the day." He was looking a lot more tired than usual, like he'd gotten hit with his full no-energy days, and still had to power through it and do stuff.

You were going to crack a 'I want a divorce' joke if he'd insinuated the horse was staying, but you were kinda more concerned that he didn't. 

"She's the kid's Christmas present. I got saddled with the responsibility of keeping her a surprise."

"Hoof you got any idea how much this kind of animal pees? Dude, she's gotta go outside."

"Frisk's got time magic and an insatiable desire to find out what their presents are before the party. I've been teleporting this horse all over the city. I don't know what the void'll do to a non-magical being, but I can definitely assure you there's nothing left to pee or shit in that horse. I shit you not." His shit eating grin made his eyesockets crinkle around the sides. 

"Holy shit."

"There ya go buddy." He settled back on the couch, getting comfy by hogging most of the pillows. 

You handed him his coffee, and he gave a small start at the nudge before breaking into a grin and taking the mug.

That horse did look like it'd seen the void.

Stared it down.

That the void blinked first.

"Wanna watch a movie?" You offered. 

"Does a horse shit in the void?" Same shit eating grin.

"How much sleep have you been getting?" You asked while messing with netflix and pulling a couple couch blankets around the both of you.

"Not enough, my guy."

He was out about ten minutes into the movie, some cheesy horror flick, and that was after draining his coffee. He was probably in for some hyper-realistic dreams doing that. 

You settled for petting his head while he was comfortably smooshed in your arms.   
_____________________

As it turned out, Sir Lancelot, hot to trot, did work out as a surprise. You got to hear the mare's name later.

  
  
Chapter 8  
End Notes:

When Undyne stays with the guys, Papyrus called it ‘A SLEEPOVER THERE’S NO ESCAPE FROM’ so like, I think he’s hyper vigilant, and if he has any new people or sounds in the house, he can’t sleep. Didn’t sleep much in the underground because the houses were close together, and maybe the walls were thinner? From inadequate building materials, so he heard a lot of stuff. Easy to live with Sans bc once he’s out, he’s OUT. He's lived with those snores all his life so they're easy to sleep through. 

Okay SO! Uh, this took a very long time because I was working on two other things. This is going to end next ch, but! I will be posting a new fic along the same lines, but with actual storyline. So you have two choices, leave a comment and tell me which one you'd like to experience first! Both will have about the same sort of style and lack of drama and be loving smooshful blarg. It's the middle of the night. 

->underfell fake dating

->undertale accidental stalking

  
  


Sans was stretched out on the couch with his head on your lap, and you were alternatively feeding him and yourself cheezits.

Ah, love.

“You know, I thought you might be a little peeved about me being late. Glad to see you’re not flipping out about it.” Sans’ grin was soft and his eye sockets were crinkly at the sides. 

“Baby, you know I’m not flipping you off.” You managed to injure the middle finger of your dominant hand, and sticking it out awkwardly kept it from bumping into anything. 

“Sure. I don’t know what I’d do if you did…. I’d probably flip.” He was making a quiet wheezy sound under his breath, trying to not break down into giggles too soon. “Not something to lay about, for.” He was grinning, waiting for you to get the last one. “Cause you’d be flipping the bird? Laying like birds do.”

You giggle-snorted, and he lit up brighter. 

“Of course, then we could kiss and make up.” He offered, his expression getting soft and looking up at you comfortably from where he was. “Not that we need to make up… but as for the kissing….. I’m sure we could wing it.”

“Yeah, we don’t need to fowl things up as an excuse. It’d be pretty easy to start raven about you if you do wanna ‘make up’." 

"That is swan tall order.”

It was a little hard to keep up with him sometimes. Today, you had this in the bag. 

“Is it?” From sheer excitement was radiating off of him, you must have been making a cat that caught the canary face. The best pun is the worst one, after all. You leaned down so your face was closer to his, his hands found yours to hold. “I think it would be quite a tweet.”

Sans broke down laughing, and you were right behind him. 

He was being really gentle with your dominant hand, holding more of the palm instead of going for your injured finger. In a moment he recovered, and his grin just stayed cheerful.

“Not to parrot you, but you’re a tweetheart.”

“Owl accept it.” You shifted so your injured hand was definitely on display. “My heart is doing flips.”

Sans disentangled one of his hands to reach over and grab a BIG handful of cheezits, and proceeded to shove them into your cheek. 

“You’re a cheeseball." 

The two of you rearranged yourselves to cuddle easier. 

 

_________________________

 

Sans took a look in the microwave to check out what you were making for dinner. He saw the bowl of water and melted butter, and got out bowls to help serve it while you were in the restroom. Honestly wasn’t going to question your life choices. He drank ketchup, warm water with butter melted in it was sort of a step to the side instead of being up or down in quality. 

He was really proud that he got dinner set up in the livingroom before you got out. 

The chili was in a communal bowl, and the water butter was in two personal sized ones so you could eat together and be all cozy. He got out some potato chips since that sounded like what you’d been talking about while he was half dozing at the kitchen table. 

You came out, looked at your proud skeletal friend cozied up on the couch waiting for you, and knew exactly where his mind had gone. Honestly, loving and supportive didn’t make for great listening skills when he was perpetually burning the candle at both ends. 

It was one of those moments where you really wanted to be supportive and accept his getting dinner all laid out, but at the same time you also wanted to take care of his physical health and have him eating something other than potato chips and buttery water. 

You got drinks for the two of you, spoons, and the bag of instant potatoes from the kitchen. 

Sans looked at what you’d brought in and just nodded. 

"This is probably the only spoon I’ve had all week.” He said, and let you mix up the potatoes. His were oddly a little dry, even though it was split evenly in half and you’d measured it. 

“Did you drink some of this?”

“Yeah.” No beating around the bush there, and he dumped some of his water into it without any preamble. “S'fine.”

“Okay." 

He cuddled up as soon as you sat down, the blanket nest covering and absorbing you into the warm blanket conglomerate nearly instantly like an amoeba eating something smaller than it. 

Sans reached for the remaining cheezits, and crumpled some on top of his potatoes before adding a little of the chili. 

"You know, sometimes it’s better to just fly by the seat of your pants. It all works out in the end.” He said abstractly. Then he leaned his head back onto your shoulder and grinned. “Flying like birds do." 

"I love you too, nerd.” You said, flicking through Netflix trying to find a decent movie, or at least one without sudden nudity. 

Sans picked at some loose thread on the comforter absently. “I don’t think I want to get married.” And wow that was out of left field. 

“Okay? So we don’t get married.” No big deal. Whatever romantic mess you had going with him, it was nice how things were. “Things are good how they are.”

“So you’re still good not moving in together? I know that’s sort of- expected after awhile.” While Sans was still relaxed, he was curious. 

“Dude, I love you and I love your brother. We both know Paps is hyper-vigilant. He doesn’t even sleep when Undyne spends the night. I don’t think the world would ever be ready for him on no sleep for the rest of his life, and honestly, I really do like having my own space.” There really was no reason to move in together aside from social conventions. Couldn’t exactly say his stuff was strewn across your place since he really just used your pajamas while he was over. “My house doesn’t get volunteered for birthday gatherings.” You offered, and he snorted.

“They’re not that bad.” They were that bad.

“We’re good dude. It’s chill.”

“Hey, what do you get with an ace and a zero-energy person watching movies?”

You paused. It wasn’t Netflix and chill then?

“Netflix and chili.” He said raising his spoon. 

“Nice. Cheers, dude.”

“Cheers.” He echoed, and you clanked your spoons together before taking another bite. 

It'd all work out in the end.

  
  
Chapter 9  
End Notes:

Guys, thank you so much for your support through writing this. It’s really been a great experience. Sorry to say this was still the finale, fic end. However, this is also a double update if you want to see the next one I’m doing, head on over to Accidental Stalking. I don't know how to link it, but it's up so go find it. <3 Thanks you guys, hope you have a sweet day!

  
  


The soft sound of rain woke you up slowly. Sans was curled up around you and was staring out the window with half open eyes. 

It was one of those morning where it was early enough not to get up and there was no where to be later. 

You were still warm and comfortable, so you snuggled a little, and let yourself doze.

Sans rubbed your shoulder with his thumb absently once he knew you were awake. 

He nuzzled into your hair and sighed. He must have opened the window because the earthy wet plant smell was leaking into the room.

Once you woke up again to the soft chirps of birds mingling with the rain, you checked your phone. Ended up watching youtube videos with Sans half watching them with you. If either of you had a lot of energy, cakes that were made to look like other things, vases and bowls with real fruit set in them, would make excellent pranks. 

“A few years back, I saw someone get absolutely murdered by their best friend for their birthday by getting pied in the face with an ice cream cake.” You shared.

“Must’ve been a surprise party.” Sans said sleepily.

“I can’t stop thinking about it. At least five people were willing to take pieces off the floor of the bowling alley; they still ate the darn thing.”

“I would. No hesitation. That decision would be a piece of cake.”

“Pfff, but it wouldn’t be very ice to get creamed like that.”

“I don’t know, as long as it was an act of love from someone you trusted, I wouldn’t consider it a half-baked gesture.”

There were puns, and there was getting murdered by an ice cream cake. Honestly, he was probably one of the most supportive people of whatever hair brained schemes you could come up with, including napping in public, but you were almost wanting to call bs. 

“Dude, it’d get everywhere. It’d probably get in your skull.”

“Then my head wouldn’t be so full of air.” He rested his head on top of yours. 

“Wouldn’t want to bake them up over rejecting a gift. ‘Sides, who needs oven-ge? I’d get a free cake. S'not a crumb-y friendship if they went through the trouble of getting or making an icecream cake. That takes dedication.”

You turned that over a bit, and it sort of made sense. 

“Ahhh, I kinda see what you mean, but now I can’t use the phrase 'recipe for disaster’.”

“Recipe for a successful, heartfelt gesture?” He suggested.

___________________

 

The ground outside the next day was soft from the rain and it would have been easier to plant flowers. 

Neither you nor Sans was about to do more in the garden today beyond throwing wildflower seeds native to your area around your yard. 

The yard was a little wild, even had thistles. Your neighbor’s bees were big fans of your messy area and you’d usually get honey from them at a discount for keeping your area blooming.

Actually, you liked weeds. They were sturdy, very green, and had bright and colourful flowers. 

They stood up well to small dogs rolling on them. 

While there was some places pressed down where deer might have laid down for awhile, there were also messy messy places with bits of white fur left in some of the more catchy plants. 

It was really saying something when your partner’s dog liked you and hung out at your house often. They did it on their own since they were also a monster, but it was quite a nice tier to get to. 

The gifts from the dog weren’t as nice of a tier. They weren’t a quote on quote 'murderer’, so instead of leaving you things like dead birds on the porch like a housecat might, they’d bring you things like live uninjured squirrels, and incredibly ruffled and wrathful birds, and leave them in your house. 

They did seem to take bribes at least a little bit. Scrambled eggs and other dog-friendly foods seemed to dissuade them from bringing you friends…. it wasn’t really all bad since Sans would come and catch them and set them outside fairly easily. 

It was a bright and sunny day that was definitely going to get warm later; a nice day to sit out on the porch and hang out. 

You both had a cup of tea and were just chilling. 

Maybe you’d get a porch swing so you guys could be sleepy old people together in the future. 

“Think we’ll ever pie each other in the face with ice cream cakes?” Now that you’d gotten it off your chest, it was stuck in Sans’ head. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant proposition.

“Is there anything actually stopping us?”

Sans made a face like he was really thinking about it, and wasn’t really sure if he wanted to do it.

“It just seems like such a thoughtful gesture." 

It could have been that he was hyper-focusing on the idea and might be a loss for conversation for a few hours.

"Well, let’s go get a cake dude.” The look on his face was like surprised interest, teetering on a vague incredulity. 

“Okay.”

Turned out you could only order them online and pick them up, you couldn’t just have someone deliver one to you like a pizza.

We have hoverboard prototypes. We have cars that could drive themselves and the moral dilemmas of whether or not a self-driving car should swerve to protect the passengers or people outside the car, and yet there was no delivery for ice cream cake. 

It wasn’t quite the future.

Once you were both back on the porch with the box, Sans didn’t seem like he wanted to make the first move.

“I want to put my hands in this.”

“I guess? Just wash your hands first.”

You wondered what kind of life he’d lived that mushing his hands into an icecream cake, and then just putting his face into it like it was something he had been wanting to do forever, was somehow where his life had gotten him to. 

You wondered if it had just gotten into his brain cavity.

“This is so gross.” He finally said after resurfacing. 

“Yeah, but you’re an adult so you get to experience gross things if you want.” You reached over and took a swipe of frosting with your finger. Yup, couldn’t do that without repercussions if you were younger.

Sans was squishing cake in-between the phalanges of one hand, face a mess of frosting and cake.

It was kind'ave nice to have a weird day without making it weird. Just to relax and let him have this.

Someone on tumblr had wanted to shove their entire arm into a massive jar of peanut butter. 

Some people were just more tactile than others.

And sometimes that meant shoving your face into a cake just for the feeling.

New experiences were really important to him. 

It was also a different experience for you since it wasn’t a gross child doing it. It was someone you made out with and knew how clean his face was presently, and it oddly was not ruining the cake.

You ended up getting a couple spoons for you guys to eat with. 

Sans ignored his, straight up eating a handful of cake. He looked at it critically for a moment after taking a bite.

“Do you think this is why cupcakes were invented? A less messy handful of cake?”

“That could be exactly why they were invented.”

Wherever that train of thought led him, he was silent for about six minutes, just staring at the cake in his hand. 

“I’m holding a handful of history.” He finally said. “This is the culmination of hundreds of years of baking and dairy farming.” Then he put the entire thing in his mouth, no grace or attempt at subtlety. 

You leaned back in your chair. It was clouding up again. Maybe it’d rain tonight too.

“It’s really too bad there’s no delivery for this, but there’s always hope the future will be better. It won’t be a cake walk getting there, sure-” Sans half choke-snorted with a surprise laugh. “But I think it’ll be just fine.”

Sans grinned back at you, after he’d slightly collected himself. There were trails of melting ice cream on his face down to his shirt. 

“Oh yeah, I think it’ll be a piece of cake.” He was blatantly moving the hand with a new chunk of cake towards your face. Your eyes locked on.

“No.”

“You seem to be a little tense about talking about the future.” The cold and uncomfortable smoosh of a handful of unwanted cake into your cheek was accented with his lit up expression. “I think it’s really sweet to think about.”

Ah, he had wanted to hit each other with the cake. How did you not see this coming?

You reached over and got a small handful, and it was like instant regret in your hand. It was cold, melting, and a little crumbly so it had to be cupped carefully. How Sans was holding this with his phalanges was a mystery. No, it was probably just magic.

“Aww, I’m glad you’re gonna be there sweetheart. Let me give you some sugar.” You smooshed the cake near his mouth, not like his face wasn’t still really- “DUDE, your face is CAKED with CAKE.”

“Yep.” He was utterly beaming. He turned to kiss the fingertips of the hand next to his face. “God, I just melt around you.”

“You’re very sweet." 

Sans was cracking up, giddy about the whole thing. You were both wheezing and it was just a pleasant day.

The rest of the messed up cake went back in the freezer to go back to being somewhat like it used to be. 

After showers, a couple movies, and dinner, you’d gotten ready for bed and were curled back up around each other. 

"I’ve read the wikihow on how to cuddle like four times. The only thing that’s helpful about it is how to not create sweat pools.” Sans broke out after you had gotten settled. You gave him a raised eyebrow, and he continued. “Turns out, not really something to worry about if you’re not a water-based lifeform or care if your sweetheart is.”

“Sweet dreams, Sans.”

“Heh, yeah. Sweet dreams.”

  



End file.
